Ask Rebecca: Am I a monster for wanting my boyfriend’s dog out of our bed?

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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After dating for two years, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and I was excited to finally share a home. I love my boyfriend, but there’s one thing driving me crazy. He has a dog he absolutely adores and can do no wrong.

I knew they were a package deal. But living with him? There’s dog hair everywhere. On the couches, my clothes, sometimes in my food. He begs whenever we eat, follows my boyfriend everywhere and barks at anyone walking past the house.

My biggest problem is that the dog sleeps in our bed every night. He snores, takes up half of it, and I end up sleeping terribly, often on the couch. Before I moved in, my boyfriend would kick the dog out of the bedroom when we were intimate. Now that we’re living together, we can’t even cuddle without the dog growling between us.

I’ve asked my boyfriend if we could at least keep the dog out of the bedroom, but he believes that his dog was there first and it wouldn’t be fair to change his routine. He has even half-joked that I’m jealous.

I’m not asking to get rid of the dog. I just don’t want our entire lives revolving around him. I hate feeling like some sort of monster whenever I complain about his dog or when he seems to take his feelings over mine. I’m starting to resent his dog and worry it’s going to affect our relationship.

Am I being selfish? Do I have to accept that loving my boyfriend means accepting his dog and all his habits? Shouldn’t my boyfriend be willing to compromise and take my complaints seriously? — The Other B—h

I completely understand your frustration. I happen to live with a four-legged c–kblocker, too. Which I’ll get to.

Before we delve into your living arrangements, someone deserves credit where credit is due. Actually, make that an entire species.

Congratulations, dogs! You’ve played humans beautifully. There was a time when dogs were just dogs. They slept on the floor, maybe at the foot of the bed if they were lucky. Now they have playdates, Instagram accounts, designer coats, birthday parties and business-class seats, and sleep under $850 duvets.

Welcome to dating a modern dog parent, where the dog gets unconditional love, and the girlfriend gets whatever space is left on the mattress.

My first instinct after reading your message? Throw money at this problem. My second was to wonder if that’s terrible advice. My third? I’ve decided it’s excellent advice.

Throw money at this and hire a professional dog trainer. You need someone who can teach this dog that you’re not the enemy.

And the growling? Not cute. It’s one thing for a dog to hog the bed. It’s another to growl when you approach your boyfriend. A qualified trainer can address that. A boyfriend who shrugs it off can’t.

You can love your boyfriend without wanting to share your pillow with his dog. That doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you someone who’d occasionally like to sleep without a furry third party wedged between you, eat dinner without pleading eyes and have sex without an audience.

I get the frustration and worry. You feel less like a priority than someone who sheds, snores, drools and hasn’t had a bath in weeks. I mean the dog. Hopefully not your boyfriend. And you’re the one who ends up tossing and turning on the couch?

Believe me, I know all about living with, and resenting, someone else’s dog. Years ago, when I blended families with a then-partner, he came with a dog I hated. The feeling was mutual.

And I love dogs!

I went from a house where doors were meant to be slammed during arguments (what else are doors for?) to one where every door had to stay shut because the dog ate toilet paper, bras, underwear, towels and anything left on the floor.

Fast-forward a few years, and guess who now shares her pillow with a French bulldog who spoons me and barks whenever my husband enters the bedroom?

I have my very own c–kblocker. Except this time, I wanted the dog. I got him without even discussing it with my husband. I think he was too speechless to argue when I told him I was coming home with one.

And the irony? My husband, who never wanted a dog, is the one who folded and let him into the marital bed, against my strict no-dogs-in-beds rule. Now the little c–kblocker barks at the very man who allowed him to sleep there. Talk about biting the hand that literally feeds you.

​Tell your boyfriend what you’ve told me. You respect his bond with the dog, but you’re not sleeping well and miss the intimacy of a bed that’s just for two.

The goal isn’t to make your boyfriend choose between you and the dog. As you wrote, it’s to see whether he’s willing to compromise.

​And if he isn’t? Maybe the dog isn’t the one who needs training.

Love, Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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