Below Deck 13 episode 4 recap: ‘they’re trying to kill me’

Ah, finally, an episode of Below Deck when an obnoxious guest thinks the crew is trying to murder them. Yes, Melani was giving Tanya on The White Lotus (“These gays—they’re trying to murder me!”), minus the charm or the audience rooting for her.

Actually it’s probably more like Murder on the Orient Express, where everyone has a motive, and everyone’s kinda thrilled.

“They’re trying to kill me,” Melani said after Moe, dressed in a Strawberry Shortcake costume, served her strawberry jam and a strawberry, both covered in scratch-n-sniff strawberry stickers. On her birthday! On a boat! In Thailand!

That one moment contained all of this season of Below Deck so far: horrible guests, checked-out crew members, and an honest mistake that also may have just solved one of their biggest problems, oops! Also, confusing editing that makes it unclear what happened.

This group, perhaps all relaxed from their acro-yoga and the concussions they’ve suffered when they drop each other on their heads, had nothing to do except complain and demand.

When Rainbeau said she’d check on them every two or three minutes, they insisted upon 90 seconds. And when she returned, one of them said, “That was 94 seconds, just for the record.” I couldn’t quite tell if this was all a playful joke or just the usual for them, and that tells you how bad they are.

Robby told Fraser that they were disappointed about the lack of noodles at dinner—okay, fair—and then he tried to stick it to Moe with a made-up complaint: “Guy just does his own thing.” Yes, he’s a private chef on a yacht, not a clown mouth you can shout into at a drive-through to get exactly what you want.

For her birthday dinner requests, Melani first lectured Moe (“let’s not shy away from acid and salt”). When the subject turned to her birthday cake, she refused: “I do not like cake. This is not the French Revolution.”

I just skipped right past her confusing historical reference because she said the most monstrous thing I’ve ever heard: “If it’s going to be dessert, a cheese course.”

A cheese plate? As your birthday desert? I guess that’s the birthday treat of choice for the miserable and/or psycho. Me, I’ll take a sheet cake from Costco for myself, thanks.

At dinner, Melani wore a Medusa headpiece. No notes there. While there was an opening complaint—The bread was the same bread as before! The side of pre-dinner bread didn’t change? Abandon ship! Swim for your lives!—they were mostly well-behaved, as Captain Kerry was at the table.

In the galley, Moe was plating the cheese course. Fraser looked at the plates and said, “Chef, how else can we make these more exciting? Are you able to do jams on the side?” Notice how bothered Fraser always says “we” when he means “you”? That’s Fraser’s way of showing that he’s so aggrieved at having to do his job, he’ll just make sure you do it for him.

Anyway, Moe pulled out some jam—labeled STRAWBERRY JAM NOT FOR MELANI—and put it into tiny dishes on the cheese plates.

I totally think Moe should have noticed, especially given his allergen training and concern about allergens, never mind the guest’s previous strawberry issues.

To Moe’s credit, he took responsibility. “It slipped my mind,” Moe said later. “They had me a little stressed, and I messed up once or twice.” Fair! “I used to always blame people for my mess-ups, and that’s not going to get me anywhere.” Impressive!

Not impressive: Fraser. I knew this was coming thanks to the preview, but how did Fraser examine the plates and determine they needed something else and not notice the strawberry?! The plates went out, and here’s where things got weird.

At some point, Fraser wandered into the kitchen with all the speed and urgency of a slug traversing an ocean of molasses. “What kind of jam did you serve?” he asked Moe.

Then Fraser sprung into action with all the speed and urgency of a Slinky encased in ice on a glacier. “Everybody listen to me very carefully. Birthday girl is allergic to strawberries. She has strawberry jam in front of her.”

Maybe run out there and take it away, Fraser?! But no, he didn’t move or say anything, or the editing cut that out. Instead, people hovered around the preference sheet.

“Take the strawberries away from her. I can’t actually face it,” we finally heard Fraser say. Rainbeau retrieved the jam—because of course she did. She does all of Fraser’s job.

So weird: everyone forgetting about the allergy, Fraser just checking out. I was glad that we saw Moe and the stews looking at Melani’s preference sheet, because I was able to transcribe it for mocking purposes:

MELANI MENNELLA

COFFEE/TEA:

black and brewed through ceramic or metal; NO BLACK PLASTIC. I need access to coffee, as soon as I wake up (I wake EARLY), capable of self serve

DISLIKES: heartless, fussy foods, that require editing and a new chef

SPICE LEVEL: I love spice, but I do not want my palate blown out

DIETARY RESTRICTIONS: allergic to strawberries – I don’t eat poultry – anything with wings

First of all, allergies are allergies, and no questions or mocking there. But “I don’t eat poultry” should not be listed as a dietary restriction. And why is an allergy on the same line as “anything with wings”?

No wonder Melani was mad about the next morning’s breakfast of bat bacon, penguin pate, and butterfly strawberry shortcake.

When the guests finally left, they were less dickish than I expected. Robby said, “I had a little problem with the food here and there” and Carolyn said, “we really appreciate the effort you all put out.” Then, as they walked down the dock, she chastised Robby for sugar-coating his criticism.

I was expecting a tip of five, maybe 10 dollars. But they got $33,333. Is that some kind of message from the guests, or just the math after the not-on-camera crew’s tips were removed from, say, $35,000?

In other crew highjinx besides death by strawberry jam:

• The sling for the jet ski is gone, considering the deck team’s failure to mark where it went into the water. But Captain Kerry has found another one, and I think it’s going to be Alex’s underwear as he gets pantsed.
• Often the editing on Below Deck is clever or funny, like when it cut from the guests telling a sex story to Alex humping the folded-up slide. But cutting from Moe preparing some delicious looking tomatoes, basil, salt, to a montage of Jessenia, Alex, and Matt sniffing their armpits and declaring them rank was not okay.
• The deck team forgot to take towels with them on the elephant excursion, so Captain Kerry made all the guests wait in hot vans (!) until Matt brought them. Matt got a hero shot, running down the pier in slow motion, but Kerry still yelled at him.
• Lily’s Elephant Camp had a pair of lesbian elephants, and also a great business model: get the tourists to wash the elephants for you! I am still trying to make sense of Kaylee’s elephant description, though: “their mouths look like a vagina: like a fluffy cookie and a ball sack.”
• Matt made his move to replace Alex: “I know my place here. I don’t want to overstep,” he said, overstepping.
  • By the way, when Matt is interviewed, does anyone else see this, or is it just me?

The episode ended with a brief scene that was teased last week, but was mostly just cliffhanger (oh, Below Deck!). In a chaotically filmed few minutes, a drunk guy started harassing the crew as they walked to their vans for their night out. Do we think Moe’s going to take out a drunk asshole with his belt? Do we think the production pays for any security?

This episode also had some minor romance drama, and I just don’t care—especially not when we can find new and inventive ways to serve strawberries. Put on on the rim of the turndown wine?

But seriously. Am I supposed to be invested in Kaylee and Matt since they banged once? Or feel for Kaylee when she broke down in tears and said “I’m really overwhelmed with Matt,” a guy she banged once? She was also devastated that Rainbeau wanted to get to know Matt more at dinner, as if anyone would want that for themselves.

Kaylee told us, “most of my relationships have been toxic” and then corrected herself: “all of them.” And then, talking with his mouth full, Matt kissed her and then said, “I got some bread on your cheek.” Barf.

At least Jessenia got it right: “Matt is ignorant, arrogant, and a man-child.” Maybe someone will serve Matt strawberries. After Matt’s declaration that he’s just “fucking bitches and cleaning teak,” I’m up for an Agatha Christie mystery.

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