Amazing Race 39 premiere recap: Canadian chaos

The Amazing Race 39 did something unusual: it kept its teams in the same city as the starting line, giving us a full episodes with a Roadblock, a Detour, and teams flipping outrigger canoes and repeatedly falling into the ocean.

The finish order was not about getting the first cab to leave an airport, but the challenges and the new Express Past twist. The actual elimination almost came down to actual rowing, though they had to take a cab to the finish line, and the editing didn’t make it clear what made the difference.

The episode began with seaplane tours over Vancouver, but the race didn’t begin until after a welcome from Squamish people and an eye raise from host Phil Keoghan.

13 teams of two ► Between trying to learn 26 people’s names and a lot of teams being effectively ignored by the editing, the teams that stood out to me are the ones that feel like running my face over a cheese grater. For example:

• Married parents Matt and Michelle. Michelle said they fell in love at first sight, which Matt disputes. “Over time, it became love. But love at first site, no,” he said, calling his wife “a neurotic, controlling planner—she’s a great planner, we’ll say it that way.” That’s not the way you said it, my dude.
• Dating Daisha and Dalton. Dalton has a five-year plan for his girlfriend Daisha, who does not know the plan. Healthy!
• Newlyweds Erin and Javi, who wants Javi to use the race to “show me the man that I married.” Months ago. Yet they’re already talking about kids. Maybe wait on that until you don’t resent their father? On behalf of those future kids, thanks!
• Siblings Cody and Jaime, who are either the most dysfunctional or the funniest; I’m not sure. We met them by learning Cody hates sibling teams, and then learned they were siblings. “First of all, don’t touch me,” he said to Jaime, who told us, “we like money.” Cody later told someone, “I have cockroaches under my truck right now that love me more than my sister.”

They’re not all annoying:

• Childhood friends Conner and Garrett are hilarious, and sisters Katie and Charlotte seem fun
• Grandson/grandfather Dylan and Doug have been watching The Amazing Race together for years, and are the youngest and oldest at 18 and 72. But Doug is holding his own, having just hiked hundreds of miles in the Andes, and volunteering for the first Roadblock.
• The five teams of two women seem in agreement that they want a female team to win, which hasn’t happened in 14 seasons. But will they help each other? Or will they Survivor 51 this and leave all the mediocre men alone while going after each other?

TAR 39’s bit twist ► Every team got an Express Pass, but it’s different than the old ones: it only allows them to skip one challenge. And only one team can skip a challenge. They’re good until the sixth leg. “You do not want to be eliminated with an Express Pass in your possession,” Phil Keoghan said, explaining that, if that happens, the Express Pass will explode.

Roadblock ► One team member had to jump off the rafters of a stadium, free-falling, swinging, and grabbing a giant stuffed salmon in the giant bear paw gloves they were wearing. Those were comical but the height—and jumping backwards from the platform—looked terrifying on TV.

“I got the salmon!” Ann-Marie screamed, and then got a Canadian soo-ree” from Clue Guy. He kept telling people, “I’m sorry, you grabbed the rope, not the fish.” Grab the fish, not the rope! Light the lamp, not the rat!

Erin and Javi used their Express Pass, while Cody got something he can use: “She did not get that,” he said when his sister missed the salmon. “Looks like I can hold that against her forever.”

Route marker ► Teams took a fun little boat, The Aquabus. On the way there, one team asked some randoms, “Can you Google where the Plaza of Nations is?” The answer: points behind them. “It’s right there.” LOL.

Zach and Nate missed the boat with the other two back-of-the-pack teams. That was apparently Jesus’ intervention, according to Daisha. No judgment about someone’s belief in a higher power, but I am genuinely curious how it makes sense that a higher power would intervene in a CBS reality show but not, say, a genocide or earthquake or the desecration of Gene Wilder.

Detour ► Teams had a choice between memorizing 25 maritime flags or being dunked while attempting to row tandem outrigger canoes.

My favorite part was the sassy Canadian judge at the flag task. “Let’s get a move on,” flag guy said to Erin and Javi, and on a second attempt “Tic-tock, people!”

Doug and Dylan used their Express Pass on the paddling and Dafina and Sarina on the flags (which was news to Daisha and Dalton, who thought they were going to all work together, oops!). That answers my question about whether a Detour counts as one challenge or two.

Pit stop ► At the Vandusen Botanical Gardens, Erin and Javi arrived first, thanks to skipping the Roadblock. They won One Key Cash from Expedia, the stupidest brand name. Fun fact: the same company owns Expedia, Travelocity, Orbitz, Hotwire, Hotels.com, CheapTickets, CarRentals.Com, Trivago, HomeAway, and Vrbo, among others. Capitalism is all about competition!

Brothers Nate and Zach arrived last and were eliminated. Too bad; they were funny with each other. And the race continues Thursday night for reasons, after Big Brother 28’s finale.

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