Chainsmoker Cat ‒ Episode 10
We've suffered through time-loops of endless death and mutilation. We've watched unspeakable things be done to (and with) the urine and feces of several different species. We've spent time with several characters who should almost certainly be placed on a list of dangerous sexual deviants. In this week's Chainsmoker Cat, we must face the most dehumanizing torture of all: Being trapped in a car with an insufferable wannabe influencer who can't shut her godforsaken phone off for a single second and act like a normal person. To make things even worse, the pants-pissing dingus won't even shut down the stream to take a bathroom break. Pray for Yaku, everyone. Her soul has already been weakened by years of chronic drug abuse and untreated depression. A six-hour road trip with Hameko Easygoing Anal Angel might just kill her.
At the very least, the poor little junkie's brain is just that much more broken than it already was, but you know what? I commend Yaku for making Hameneko do a few straight minutes of muddy-cheeked dead sprints after the inevitable pitstop for a roadside squat in the bushes. Yaku has quickly become the heart of Chainsmoker Cat, as clogged up and palpitating as she may be. Amidst an endlessly rotating parade of inconceivably stupid psychopaths, Yaku is just normal enough to be the one we end up rooting for to succeed, and after not even getting to recharge her batteries at that waterfall, the girl at least deserves to psychologically and physically torture her terrible, terrible friends. As a treat.
That said, I'm not saying that Hameneko deserved to get trapped in a car with the pervert who just wanted to jerk off to photos of his hitchhiker's moist feline mouth. I'm not going to say that the show went too far with this incredibly dark sketch, since we all know that it would just motivate these sickos to escalate their sick, twisted shtick even further. Still, let's maybe turn the “Lars Von Trier” knob on the mixer down a few notches from here on out. I thought we were watching Chainsmoker Cats, not Chainsmoker Dogme 95.
Speaking of dogs, I wish I had some more creative way to introduce the back half of this episode, which begins with the Landlord taking a bit out of the freshly squeezed turnds that Yani got paid to pick up while dogsitting, but we may have reached a point where my inadequacies as a writer have been stymied by Chainsmoker Cat's...whole…deal. Do you see what I mean? I swear, I am measurably less intelligent than I was when I began watching this episode just a short while ago. I've been hammering my head against the keyboard and chewing on broken lightbulbs wrapped in tin foil, but no amount of forceful stimulus is reigniting the brain cells that these goddamned cats are stealing away from me.
How the hell am I supposed to describe the scene where the Landlord's disturbingly massive erection begins to gain unholy, writhing sentience in the moments before he chows down on that piping hot lump of crap? What am I supposed to do to reconcile my everyday existence with the fact that I watched the eldritch abomination stuffed into the guy's sweatpants be match cut against a wriggling sea cucumber that fully blows its milky white load the moment the dry heaving begins? What do I say to my wife when she inevitably asks me, “So, how was that weird anime about the pooping catgirls this week?” I can't use words like “good” or “bad” to communicate what this experience has done to me. I can't explain any of this to the blissfully ignorant and normal people out there who live with hearts untainted by the stains of cigarette burps and greasy cat farts.
You all get it. You're reading these reviews, after all, which you're stuck down here with me. This is the tarriest pit of the ashtray that our collective unconscious uses to snuff out its smokes, and you know it only has money for the really cheap stuff. This is right where we belong. This is what we deserve.
Episode Rating:
Chainsmoker Cat is currently streaming on Netflix and OceanVeil.
James is a writer with many thoughts and feelings about anime and other pop-culture, which can also be found on BlueSky, his blog, and his podcast.
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