Below Deck Med 11 episode 13 recap: petty party

What whiplash tonight’s Below Deck Mediterranean gave me! That was in major and minor ways:

• Max was here for two episodes, now he’s gone, off to Tunisia to sneak his estranged father into Libya where he can rent a boat and get to France, “without paying the fucking cartel.” And while I feel for Max, he’s also the person who touched his own eyes after touching a jellyfish—and then set off on this insane adventure before returning to the boat because “I forget my suitcase.”
  • I checked Max’s Instagram. He’s alive. And he spoiled his departure last week—in a post that itself sounds like Max’s Instagram was hacked: “I’ll be selecting followers to come to the South of France, all-inclusive, with up to five of your friends, and join me for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”
• The editors absolutely convinced me that Luke was coming back by showing Gen saying, in the pre-commercial preview, “everyone’s sheets are fucked.” But they left out the first half of the sentence! That was: “If he’s brunette and tattooed…”
• This, at dinner:
  • Guest: “Wouldn’t it be crazy if [the chef] was having a meltdown back there and we didn’t even know?”
  • Primary: chokes to death
• The juxtaposition of the crew plunging and vacuuming puke out of a sink to the primary, who survived, giving his co-primary wife a $102,999 diamond necklace. On television.

But nothing quite tops the whiplash bosun Nathan gives us in almost every sentence with his absolutely farcical hypocrisy and juvenile behavior, which should be taught in leadership classes.

Of course, knowing what we know now, some of what Nathan had to say was downright disturbing:

• “You’re gonna have heated moments. And it’s about overcomin’ ’em.”
• “When I had my son, it puts it all in perspective: nothing’s more important than family.”

For the record, 1) Gael had the kid, and 2) shut the fuck up. Sandy also enough of Nathan—and Joe, thanks to their constant sniping at each other.

In the most stunning moment of the series, Joe just plainly told Nathan, “You’ve got an aggressive nature. You’ve got a very short temper.” I was waiting for Nathan to punch Joe in the face right then, but he did not! Instead, he just kept adding receipts to the pile of evidence that he’s a terrible bosun and bad leader and every other thing Joe accuses him of being.

Because I’m doing lists this recap, here’s another one, this time with Nathan’s most hypocritical/ridiculous dialogue:

• “I feel like Joe’s trying to infiltrate other people’s minds about me,” after trying to get Max to spy on Joe for him.
• Ditto this: “Don’t try to turn the crew against me,” he told Joe.
• Nathan’s self-described “professional” way of talking to Joe was to say, “I want to know if I’ve done or said anything to you that’s made you walk around pouting for two days.” He can’t even go a sentence without being a dick.
• “If he’s getting in me team’s ear and chatting shit like that, me and Joe’s gonna have a huge problem,” Nathan said in an interview. Yeah, you fuck up that guy who just said the problem is you’re too violent!
• Nathan left his “professional” conversation with Joe and immediately retold what happened to Cooper, like he’s on Big Brother or something. Nathan’s version of what Joe said: “You’re very unapproachable and aggressive, and Cooper feels the same.” I love how Cooper responded, “Obviously, like, you came at me before.” Mmm hmm.
• Nathan interrogated Kayley, demanding repeatedly to know if Joe had “talked shit.” And then, leaving that conversation without confirmation, he issued some kind of threat I couldn’t quite understand the end of and I don’t want to go back and turn on subtitles because I’m tired of watching him: “If he has something to say, he needs to put a….” And that was after Joe literally told Nathan what he had to say!
• “We’re a team, we work together,” and then immediately added, “I’m bosun.” Thanks for clearing that up.
• “Have you talked shit to the crew about me or not?” Nathan asked Joe, and Joe said, yep, that’s normal: “We work together and sometimes it’s tense. I’m sure you’ve said shit about me and I couldn’t give one shit.”

As always, Nathan is not wrong about Joe Judas, who takes every opportunity to shit upon Nathan, not unlike a certain Below Deck recapper I know.

But in an interview, Joe even made his mom’s cancer diagnosis about Nathan: “it’s so important for me to become successful,” Joe said, because “I’m going to have to be there to look after her financially. Do I see the same passion in Nathan? No, of course not.”

My favorite moment came, however, when Joe was on the dock, next to a pile of trash and/or the set decoration for a charter boat production of Les Miserables. Sandy asked him to take it away, and Joe was like, I’m not bosun. I’m just a widdle baby waiting for Nafan to tell me my job.

“Nathan Joe’s purposefully not taking initiative so he can make me look bad,” Nathan said. Got that one right.

Sandy had enough, chastising them both before the new guests came on board (“you two: you gotta stop being so petty!) but obviously that did not work—it just gave Nathan the word “pouting” to use against Joe.

I thought I was still watching local Central Florida commercials when the new guests arrived, as one of them said, “We’re the baddest fucking personal injury lawyers in Orlando.”

They are from “Orlando’s Prestigious Personal Injury Law Firm,” according to its prestigious website, located at aggressiveattorneys.com.

Then that attorney, Jeff, proceeded to do things like—yes, another list!!—these:

• “I can’t win any more,” which is not the kind of thing an attorney should say in front of cameras
• Complaining “I’m paying for this expensive boat” even though we all know that charter guests get a hefty discount, and that there’s no way a captain is taking aggressive attorneys out in choppy waters to drink Bravo’s liquor.
• Chastising his wife repeatedly, for her behavior and appearance: “Shh, let her talk, babe”; “You’re spilling your drink”; “Babe, you’re nipple’s hanging out, even right now”

His wife, Kasandra, got him back at the cocktail making demonstration, telling him, “Jeff, you love a porn star!” and rubbing her breasts on him.

One more list!

• The wind, Captain Sandy’s mortal enemy, prevented the boat from leaving the dock. The primary was upset. “I would just like to play with some water toys,” he said, even though his co-primary wife clearly brought her own inflatables.
• Aesha passing a plate of cake into Sandy’s dark cabin and Sandy peering at the camera was the weirdest thing I’ve seen this season, and I wrote an entire story about semen.
• Another tray of champagne glasses exploded in Gen’s hands. She explained that in Bali, she crashed an ATV into a wall. I thought she was going to say she’s just clumsy—something I have in common with Gen!—but no, it was to explain why her wrist was hurting. Considering she can probably hold a tray with one hand alone, I don’t quite know how they’re connected, but as Kat said, Gen is just a constant source of mystery.
• Cooper told a story about his football coach making him run before and after practice for being late. I thought the punchline was that his dad “was my coach,” but no, it was this zinger: “He was the one who drove me to practice late.”
  • No wonder Cooper ruined other first graders’ lives by telling them Santa isn’t real and they’re adopted and Satan is coming for their souls.
• “Tomorrow, our hope is that we get off,” Sandy said. Amen.
• “We need to go HAAM—Hard As A Motherfucker.” Aesha for president!

All of reality blurred’s content is independently selected, including links to products or services. However, if you buy something after clicking an affiliate link, we may earn a commission. Learn more.