In Emmys Monologue, Mariska Hargitay Tells Nicole Kidman to ‘Zip It, Movie Lady’ and Reveals Dick Wolf’s Real Name Is ‘Richard Penis’

Mariska Hargitay opened the 78th Emmy Awards with a bang, delivering a monologue that poked fun at her long-running role on “Law & Order: SVU” and parodied a beloved piece of pop culture.

“The Emmys are celebrating their 78th year, and NBC is celebrating its 100th year. And I have been on ‘Law & Order: SVU’ for all of them,” Hargitay joked after she was carried onto the stage by a group of backup dancers with TVs on their heads.

Hargitay is the first woman to host the Emmys in a decade and a half, a tidbit she emphasized by quipping, “Imagine that: For 15 straight years, Amy and Tina said no.”

Looking out at the starry crowd at the Peacock Theater in Los Angeles, Hargitay said it was “reassuring to see so many familiar faces out there. And I’m just talking about how many of you I’ve arrested on ‘SVU.'”

Speaking of the long-running NBC drama, Hargitay gave a sincere tribute to series creator Dick Wolf, who has made over 40 shows — 13 of which currently on the air.

“Over the years, there have been a lot of jokes about his name, which is so unfair because Dick Wolf isn’t even his real name,” Hargitay said. “His real name is Richard Penis.”

Celebrating the nominees who recently wrapped their last episode, Hargitay rubbed in her steady network gig by pretending to struggle with the teleprompter as she read “series finale.”

“Fee-na-lay? Fin-a-lay? Am I saying that right?” she said. “I’m sorry guys, it’s just that I’ve never had one!”

Just when it appeared Hargitay was getting sincere — “I am truly deeply moved and so incredibly grateful to be in a room full of people who have dedicated their lives to telling stories” — the host spiraled into a familiar-sounding monologue. “At the end of the day,” Hargitay continued, “we come to TV for magic, to laugh, to cry, to care, because we need that, all of us, that indescribable feeling that we get when the lights begin to dim. Dazzling images on the silver screen, sound that I can feel.”

Suddenly Hargitay was interrupted by an audience member — Nicole Kidman! “Now, Mariska, come on,” Kidman said. “That’s mine. That’s my bit. You can’t do that.”

As Hargitay barrelled forward, delivering Kidman’s exact words from her famous AMC ad, the “Margo’s Got Money Troubles” star interrupted again: “That is my line. That is actually my line.”

“Zip it, movie lady! It’s TV’s turn tonight!” Hargitay yelled to big laughter (despite the fact that Kidman has appeared in what seems like hundreds of TV shows).

The NBC kudocast opened with a pre-recorded sketch that saw Hargitay steaming her ball gown next to Knicks star Jalen Brunson, snuggling up with best actress in a comedy winner Jean Smart and sipping boba with Jennifer Coolidge.

Following a controversial, one-and-done hosting stint from Nate Bargatze, Hargitay took the reins as the first woman to emcee the Emmys in 15 years (Jane Lynch hosted in 2011). As an NBC mainstay, the “Law & Order: SVU” star and executive producer was tapped to host the kudocast while the network celebrates 100 years. Plus, Hargitay herself has some Emmys history, with 10 nominations and three wins under her belt. (She won two awards ahead of the primetime telecast for directing and producing “My Mom Jayne,” a documentary about her mother, Jayne Mansfield.

Ahead of her hosting stint, Hargitay teased in her Variety cover story that she wanted to do “SVU: The Musical” on the Emmys stage. She also said she couldn’t wait to hang out with the actors from “The Pitt,” adding, “I couldn’t turn it off.”