Do any coffee-flavoured drinks come close to the real thing?

My family has benefited hugely from charities that support healthcare, so it is with extra zeal that I’ll be drinking coffee with a slice of cake tomorrow to mark this year’s Macmillan Coffee Morning. In anticipation, I’ve been tasting some coffee-flavoured drinks.

I should preface this by saying that, when it comes to coffee, I am a creature of habit and, almost 30 years into my relationship with the stuff, I know what I like: short-ish, strong, preferably made in a moka pot and only a tiny splash of milk. I’m less faithful to brands, though I do rate Union’s House Roast, which is bold, crowdpleasing, not too bitter and sold in most big supermarkets. Much as my partner has tried to seduce me to the trendy charms of filter coffee, this leopard can’t seem to change her spots.

So imagine my feelings when I lined up the cast of products to taste for this column. Canned lattes! Coffee-flavoured protein drinks! Instant coffee 2.0! I’ll start with the first group, because the market is now teeming with examples (many of them in extra-unsustainable packaging). All the big players are there – Starbucks, Nescafé, Califia Farms – and all with the three-quarters (or more) milk to one quarter (or less) coffee ratio typical of a latte. The difference is that these drinks all have added sugar or sweeteners, thereby turning your morning coffee into a liquid pudding. If they contain dairy milk, it tends to be UHT (not a taste I like), although some use lactose-free or plant-based milks. The best of the bunch was Grind’s Iced Vanilla Oat Latte: less milk (57%), more coffee (40%) and less sugar, too.

As far as I could tell, Emmi’s Caffe Latte High Protein is no higher in protein than any of the rest, so it strikes me that the brand may simply be jumping on what’s becoming a rather hackneyed bandwagon catering to a health-anxious and possibly appetite-suppressed crowd. Yfood’s This Is Food, meanwhile, made me quickly wonder: “Is it?” This ready-to-drink, coffee-flavoured “complete meal” with 30g protein per bottle and more than 20 ingredients is a sorry substitute for a food, and it certainly isn’t coffee.

Cold brew – that is, coffee that has been steeped in cold water for an extended period for a softer, more naturally sweet result – takes a fair while to make, so I can see the point in buying it off the shelf: Tesco and Nescafé both make inoffensive unsweetened cold-brew concentrates that are a good option for an Indian summer. And, much to my surprise, I rather enjoyed the next-gen flavoured instant coffees by Little’s and Beanies, especially the former’s glazed cinnamon number. But as much as Union from my moka? Come off it.

Four coffee drinks worth your attention

Grind Iced Vanilla Oat Latte £2.25 (250ml) Ocado. The best example of this dubious genre: a not-too-sweet, good-quality cold brew blended with oat milk.

Tesco Finest Cold Brew Coffee £4.50 (500ml). A cold brew concentrate to which you just add water. Would be nice with a slice of citrus.

Little’s Glazed Cinnamon £4 (50g) Ocado. The doughnut vibes are more in the aroma than the taste, but it’s a scent that could seduce non-coffee drinkers.

Union House Roast £7.50 (200g) Ocado. You can’t beat a home brew, and this balanced, slightly chocolatey all-rounder is my food shop stalwart.