Dancing with the Stars’ gay Super Bowl fumbled its way into queer utopia

Every year, various events are deemed “the gay Super Bowl.” Whether it be the Tony Awards or the halftime show during the actual big game, the queer community yearns for a big, connective event that isn’t, as comedian Grace Helbig once put it, millionaires hugging each other and falling down.

Alas, Dancing with the Stars tried to create their own with their first ever Super Bowl Night, celebrating ABC’s upcoming airing of the big game.

Of course, the synergistic evening included ESPN’s Joe Buck behind the judges’ table frequently mentioning he knew nothing about dance (Then why are you there, Joe? What the buck?!) and an absolutely vile AI commercial starring the rest of the ESPN team.

In fact, it was as if they tried to entice the gays with the promise of ballroom dances set to past half-time performers’ music, but were instead shoving down our throats *actual* football. ABC, I did not sign up for this? I wanted fringed pants, not Emmett Smith!

Deep down, ABC knew. They knew we wouldn’t want football puns shrouding the judges’ critiques. So, taking a page from their beloved General Hospital, the episode course-corrected and became a full on soap opera. Let me tell you, it provided some excellent entertainment. In fact, I’d shotgun a beer to everything this week offered.

SCANDAL!

While the scores were higher across the board, Connor and Rylee were plagued with the harshest critiques of the night for some inexplicable reason. While Jackson Olson was given a full pre-taped package apologizing for his performance ahead of time ‘cause he was so busy and Tyler performed a dance that a husband would surprise his wife with at a wedding, Connor received abysmal scores for a dance that was as mediocre as the other two white guys mentioned.

Either Connor needed 8s or everyone else needed 6s. Reader: They needed 6s.

The scandal grew on social media this week, as an anti-Val Chmerkovskiy and Jenna Johnson campaign began to brew. With the pair of professionals often presented with good dancers from the jump (especially this season), the audience seems to be annoyed with their smugness thus far.

Especially in the case of Val (which I’ve also noticed), who seems to be phoning it in and expecting brilliant scores from forgettable choreography—this week notwithstanding as his choreography and Jenna’s fierce paso doble finally created a true moment in the ballroom.

TENSION!

Sometimes, I wanna smack Derek’s face and tonight was no exception. He does this thing where Carrie Ann will deliver a harsh, yet correct critique of a dance, often alongside a helpful note for the future. (In fact, while last year included some personal qualms, I think she’s doing some superb work this season.)

After that, Derek gives a flippantly comical response and then tries to win back the attention and adoration of the audience. He acts like the least favorite person in your high school’s student government.

Of course, Derek once again tried to steal the spotlight when tensions arose between Carrie Ann and Jenna Johnson. Of course Bruno delivered a critique of Harry’s Samba featuring no Samba content, and the audience felt nothing.

When Carrie Ann brought it up, however, the audience was throwing lit torches at her like they were in Salem, Mass. Carrie Ann then proceeded to highlight a lift in the dance, which led to a confused/defensive face from Jenna. (Again, Jenna and Val cannot take criticism to save their lives.) 

Carrie Ann, pulling an Elisabeth Hasselbeck circa 2007, pulled out a textbook definition of a “lift” on a piece of paper to further her point that the dance was incorrect. It was tense, but then Barney the Unsubtle Dinosaur had to barge in and refocus the attention back on him. Let the tension linger! Allow the critique to be heard! 

If Len did any of this, he would’ve been uplifted. When Shirley Ballas does this on Strictly Come Dancing, she is uplifted. Why must we always hate Carrie Ann?

More tension was felt in the skybox when Julianne asked if Jan and Tatyana would add more power to their dance next week to which he responded “Our dance is not supposed to have power next week, so…” Comedic genius, that Jan!

TRIUMPHS!

Listen, you know I’m going to shout out my girl Julia Stiles, but luckily, it’s an easy argument to make as she delivered a jazz routine that, without Ezra’s keen understanding of social media trends, wouldn’t have been as successful in someone else’s hands.

Julia channeled her Save the Last Dance film performance for a soon-to-be viral ode to a millennial classic. She had grit! They looked in the zone! I clapped like a seal yearning to break out of its SeaWorld enclosure, though most visitors just assume I’m asking for snacks! It was sensational! Watch:

Guillermo finally went home—luckily for viewers, after a pregnant Witney lifted into a split for Guillermo to walk under. This is the greatest show on television!—which was a triumph for the at-home voter. Thank you for making the right decision after the nonsensical past two weeks. 

Now, as we head into the meat of the season, there’s a clear-ish elimination order going forward. Will it be upheld, or will more drama befall this cast? (Maura’s neck injury is worsening by the week. GASP!) I guess we’ll just have to wait to see what this cliffhanger brings us.

Some stray sequins:

• SICKENING Gatorade product placement at the beginning of the episode during the (hopefully Emmy-nominated) opening number. I love when a warm blanket of capitalism can wash over us all!
• Jenna Dewan received another instance of Oh no, I’m *so* busy with work this week, how will I ever train?! pre-tapes, which I hate. Don’t do that! Just dance the dance! Reminds me of Laura Benanti yelling about singers giving excuses before they audition.
• Joe Buck does a crazy good Bruno impression? Who knew! 
• Ezra posted on TikTok that he was friend zoned this week, to which I say, I would never do the sort to you!

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