RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: AI kill off humanity? Dealing with chatbots has made me lose the will to live

Andy Burnham told the United Nations this week that Britain was going to lead the world in tackling rogue Artificial Intelligence (AI).

Good luck with that, councillor. We're also 'leading the world' by rushing headlong to Net Zero, but the rest of the world isn't in the slightest bit interested in following our determination to commit economic hara–kiri.

Donald Trump has already said he will ignore any attempts to introduce global restraints on AI, which he calls 'Super Intelligence'. 'We're going to encourage it, not rein it in,' the President told the UN.

So any delusions Burnham may nurture about forging a worldwide set of rules to control the spread of AI are dead in the water without US support – just like the Chagos Islands surrender.

That's not to say the technology doesn't pose a clear and present threat, and not just to millions of jobs. Only this week, it was revealed that a rogue AI agent (whatever that is) had hacked into an Australian government website and accessed confidential medical data.

Few of us even understand what AI actually is, or how it works. But among those who do, there are predictions that the intellectual capacity of these robots (programs?) will soon surpass that of humans.

One of the more lurid scare stories comes from a former researcher at a company called Anthropic who claims that there is a ten per cent chance AI 'could kill all humans' within the next decade.

Any delusions Burnham may nurture about forging a worldwide set of rules to control the spread of AI are dead in the water without US support

Donald Trump has already said he will ignore any attempts to introduce global restraints on AI, which he calls 'Super Intelligence'

How does Andy Pandy propose to stop that happening? He can't even stop the flotilla of rubber dinghies dumping thousands of illegal immigrants on our shores day in, day out.

If the PM wants to tackle the spread of AI, he might start closer to home. For instance, by passing a law that every company that does business in Britain has to employ human beings to answer the phone and deal with customer complaints.

It was bad enough when you rang your bank, or some other big corporation, your call was diverted to India or Malaysia and you were forced to explain yourself to someone with English as a second language.

These days it's all AI–powered, voice–activated software, or one of those infuriating online chatbots.

For instance, this week I've been locked in combat with Amazon's 'customer service' system. Here's the shorthand version: I'd bought a couple of Apple TV gizmos. When my tech guy Will came to fit them they turned out to be incompatible with my existing equipment.

I packed them back in the box they came in and returned them registered mail.

Amazon duly issued a refund for one, but not the other.

So I went to the website and clicked the 'request a callback' option. The callback came quickly, but that's when the nightmare began.

Andy Burnham told the United Nations this week that Britain was going to lead the world in tackling rogue Artificial Intelligence (AI)

It wasn't a living, breathing person, it was an electronic version of one of those old I Speak Your Weight Machines. How could it help?

Refund.

It located the order, but insisted I'd received the refund. No, I told it, I've only received a refund for one item. This did not compute. Case closed. Have a nice day.

AAAArrrgggh!

Getting nowhere, and with trepidation, I tried the chatbot. How could it help me?

Refund.

Again, it located the order and told me I'd already received the refund. When I typed in that I'd only received one, not two, it offered a couple of options, both of which took me back to the beginning.

I realised I was dealing with the AI incarnation of Little Britain's 'Computer Says No' sketch, only with David Walliams's unhelpful assistant Carol now replaced by an algorithm.

In desperation, I typed into Google 'how to speak to a human at Amazon'. It gave me instructions on how to navigate the website and click on 'speak to associate'. A phone number would then be forthcoming. Turned out the advice was out of date and the 'speak to associate' option had been withdrawn.

Back at Google, I tried again and – eureka! – the new ubiquitous AI assistant at the top of the page came up with what looked like a real–life Greater London phone number. Now we're getting somewhere. So I called it and –you know where I'm going with this, don't you? – was put through to the same I Speak Your Weight Machine which had called me in the first place. I'd been plunged straight back into the original Doom Loop and Amazon still owed me the thick end of 200 quid.

This is a typical, everyday frustrating experience for millions who have to deal with corporations and Government departments, only to be put on hold interminably while being told: 'We are experiencing high volumes of calls. Please hold, your call is important to us.

No, it isn't.

All our assistants are dealing with other customers.

No, they're not, they're working from home, watching Bargain Hunt and eating Hobnobs.

You are being held in a queue. Did you know you could also visit our website at www...

I've just done that, which is why I'm ringing you...'

After half an hour, you give up. Or, if you are lucky enough to get through, these days you won't find yourself talking to 'Barry' in Bangalore, you'll come up against an AI–powered Metal Mickey, who won't be able to help, either.

AI is no longer confined to the big boys. Last week, I rang my alarm company. 'Good afternoon, this is Charlie speaking, how can I get you to the right team to help you today?'

Having replied: 'Oh, hello Charlie, my name's...' I realised I wasn't talking to a person, I was talking to a robot.

A friend of mine called the White Horse pub, near Guildford, Surrey, to book a table for lunch. After the usual 'this call is recorded for training purposes, etc' he was redirected to 'Charlie', who turned out to be another robot voice. The White Horse is a boozer, for heaven's sake, not NASA. Surely they could ask one of the barmaids to answer the phone.

(The pub's 'Charlie' was female, and the 'Charlie' at my alarm company was male. Are all AI–bots called Charlie?)

AI is spreading like Japanese knotweed, from giant corporations to provincial alarm companies and even Surrey pubs. Councillor Burnham's kidding himself if he thinks he can lead the world in turning back the tide.

As for the doomsday warning that in ten years it could start killing all humans, that might well turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

After my dealings with Amazon's AI–powered customer service this week, I lost the will to live.

Surkeir may have been Labour leader for six years and Prime Minister for two, but it seems he rose and vanished almost without trace. 

On the BBC's Pointless this week, contestants were asked to name the man who succeeded Rishi Sunak as PM. They were even given the initials 'K.S.' as a clue. Out of 100 people questioned, 69 had never heard of him.

Which only goes to prove that however important politicians think they are, most people think they're pointless.

With the military run down to its lowest level since the Napoleonic Wars and defence spending unlikely to reach a paltry three per cent any time soon, the Government now plans to spend £7.8billion on a Space Force.