Ask Rebecca: My son cheated and I’m stuck in the middle. Whose side should a mother be on?

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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My adult son recently told me he cheated on his wife. They’ve been married for nine years and have two young kids. I was shocked, angry and incredibly disappointed in him. I love my son, but what he did was wrong.

The problem is I adore my daughter-in-law. We’re very close, and I think of her as a daughter. She knows about the affair and is devastated. She’s been calling me to cry and vent, and I want to be there for her, especially since she lost her own mother a few years ago.

Now my son thinks I’m taking her side. He says he knows he screwed up, but he’s still my son and still needs his mother. He’s also uncomfortable with his wife telling me details about their marriage.

I understand that. But what am I supposed to do? Stop being there for her because he’s the one who cheated? They’re trying to save their marriage, and I desperately don’t want to be in the middle. But I feel like whatever I do, I’m betraying one of them. Whose side is a mother supposed to be on? — Stuck in the Middle

Eek, this is messy. Not the part where your son cheated. That’s fairly straightforward. But everything that came after complicates it.

I have spent most of my children’s lives telling them they can tell me anything. I would like to amend that to almost anything.

Yes, there are things we want our adult children to confide in us about. A potential job move. A new relationship. A baby. Adultery does not immediately spring to mind. Selective hearing is wasted on children. Mothers are the ones who actually need it.

Our children grow up. They make their own choices. Sometimes excellent ones. Sometimes ones that make you wonder whether all those prenatal vitamins were a complete waste.

Let’s begin with your son. He screwed up. Badly. He betrayed his wife, hurt a woman you consider a daughter and potentially blew up an entire family that includes your grandchildren.

You’re allowed to be angry with him. You’re allowed to be disappointed. You’re allowed to look at him and think, Really?

But here’s the part that really annoys me and feels particularly unfair to you.

He got his confession off his chest. You got a new reason to be awake at 3 a.m.

Somehow, even though you didn’t cheat on anyone, you’ve found yourself in the middle of this. Somehow, you’re the one agonizing over whether you’re betraying someone.

You love your son. You love your daughter-in-law. Your son hurt your daughter-in-law. And now everyone seems to want you to pick either Team Son or Team Daughter-in-Law.

I strongly suggest a third option: Team You.

You need to protect yourself from getting dragged any further into a marriage you’re not actually in, and that already had one too many. This is between two married people. You are neither of them.

Instead of asking, Whose side am I on? Ask yourself, What is my role here?

You are his mother. That’s one role. You are her mother-in-law. That’s another. You are the grandmother of their children. That’s three. Frankly, you have enough jobs in this family.

You also don’t need to become the judge presiding over a divorce they may or may not have or a couples therapist responsible for preventing one.

Yes, your son needs his mother right now. But an actual mother. Not some imaginary one who tells him he’s right about everything, dislikes everyone he dislikes, and then shows up with homemade soup. What he needs from you is a mother who can be on his side, without taking his side. You can love him fiercely and still think he behaved terribly.

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. If that’s not the definition of motherhood, I’m not sure what is.

Not to point out the obvious, but your daughter-in-law is the one who got cheated on. So yes, take her calls. Let her cry.  But you still need a firm boundary. Do not become the person your daughter-in-law tells every intimate detail of their marriage to. You don’t need information that makes you immediately regret having ears. You already know enough.

Stand beside your son, close enough for him to know you’re not going anywhere and close enough to look at him directly and say, “I love you to the moon and back. I love you beyond words. But what you did was wrong.”

Say something simple to your daughter-in-law like, “I love you. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere. I think of you as my daughter. I also love my son, and I can’t be in the middle of your marriage.”

Don’t carry messages between them. Don’t report what one says about the other. Don’t advise either of them whether to stay married.

Your daughter-in-law gets to decide whether she can forgive him. Your son gets to decide how far he’s willing to go to earn back her trust. Together, they get to decide whether their marriage can survive.

None of those decisions are yours.

I’d also stop worrying for now about what happens if they divorce. They haven’t. They’re working on it. If they eventually do, you’ll deal with that then. Your daughter-in-law will still be the mother of your grandchildren and someone you love independently of your son.

One small heads-up. If they stay together, you will still know everything they told you during the worst weeks of their marriage. If they put this behind them, unfortunately, you don’t get the same luxury.

But that’s tomorrow’s problem. You have quite enough already.

For now, stay in both of their lives and stay out of their marriage.

And for the record, I’m Team You.

Love, Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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